So many thoughts, so little time.

Where do you start when you've got far too much on your mind?

I suppose my immediate thoughts are my intense desire for my girls to go to bed; we're in the middle of our nightly routine of Spongebob, and it can't end soon enough. But, after swimming this afternoon, they both conked out for about an hour and I'll be paying for that tonight.

I'm coming down with a cold and that really sucks. I hate summer colds, but do love my prescription cough medicine it is far more effective than any OTC product I've found. Nevermind that it helps me sleep, which is a welcome prospect as of late.

I'm irritated with myself and my insecurities regarding friendship. I have just been having some inane thoughts about how my main group of peers views me and it bothers me that I care. First of all, I'm sure there are no issues and secondly, take me or leave me, I am not one to change who I am or hold back in my expression. These aren't feelings that end friendships, just making me feel uncomfortable in a dynamic that I usually feel completely at ease in.

All of the negative things I am feeling, and in fact I believe getting sick also, can be attributed to the impending doom that is our move. You know, I am going back and forth in my emotions about the whole situation. To be honest, this whole day has been on the "Screw Mike's Feelings About It, His Priorities Are Wrong" side of the fence. I am so very disappointed in him lately. Very, very disappointed.

I am having such a hard time understanding why he is so intent on spending time doing yardwork and landscaping in the evenings and on weekends while we're still here. Am I nuts for thinking the logical thing to do is spend as much quality time with the girls as possible and spend his time alone getting the other stuff done? I just can't wrap my head around it and I'm furious and saddened. I have always known that he is, frankly, an incredibly selfish person in many ways, but this one really has me perplexed. Do I just feel superior because I am really trying to make huge efforts to be having the time of our lives this summer? It's my last one free so I want it to be memorable for them and me.

I wish I could say how great our marriage is and that it is definately strong enough to survive this no problem, but that would be a lie. After 3 years of him working nights and his relative absence in the raising of our girls, I know that I don't need him to survive and the girls certainly aren't benefitting from any kind of quality time or influence of import from him. Life is all about what makes it easy and enjoyable for him; the needs of his wife and daughters are pretty far down on his list. This isn't to say I am fault-free, we have a couple of pretty huge issues that are completely on me, but I stand by the assertion that I put my children first, followed by him; I eventually make an apperance, but I rarely break the top 5. He has an uncanny knack for laying the guilt on pretty thick when I take care of my needs.

The exact turning point of our marriage will forever be etched into my memory. One singular event that changed everything, and though I can go through the motions of "forgive and forget", it opened my eyes to the kind of man his is and brought other actions and behaviors into crystal clear clarity. It was the night of his company Christmas celebration and I was home with a fussy 8 month old and he didn't bring his drunk self home until well into the next day. He got sick all over the bathroom, didn't clean it up and proceeded to pass out. When I could rouse him into consciousness to berate him about being so irresponsible, he looked at me, in a moment of odd sobriety and stated that we didn't love me and would never care about me nearly as much as our child. Considering his lack of parenting in the first place, I knew the breadth of this statement. I will never forget it.

And it was all true, as evidenced by his nonchalant attitude from my recovery from the first childbirth, to my incredibly difficult second pregnancy, horrible experience with the c-section and, most recently, my emergency appendectomy. Those are the big things, but this is seen in the everyday things a caring, loving husband would normally do in a healthy, productive marriage.

I have recommended counseling on many occasions, but we've never made it that far. We just go on with the farce from day to day. All this isn't to say that I don't love him or that he is a terrible father, but obviously we've got things that will need to be examined before I can foresee a positive future for us. I hope that in this separation, we can both make some decisions about what we want.

Like I said earlier, this is an off day in my feelings, tomorrow I may go back to feeling deep sorrow for him having to be torn from his kids, but it seems I'm having far more days like this than the other.