So many thoughts, so little time.

Where do you start when you've got far too much on your mind?

I suppose my immediate thoughts are my intense desire for my girls to go to bed; we're in the middle of our nightly routine of Spongebob, and it can't end soon enough. But, after swimming this afternoon, they both conked out for about an hour and I'll be paying for that tonight.

I'm coming down with a cold and that really sucks. I hate summer colds, but do love my prescription cough medicine it is far more effective than any OTC product I've found. Nevermind that it helps me sleep, which is a welcome prospect as of late.

I'm irritated with myself and my insecurities regarding friendship. I have just been having some inane thoughts about how my main group of peers views me and it bothers me that I care. First of all, I'm sure there are no issues and secondly, take me or leave me, I am not one to change who I am or hold back in my expression. These aren't feelings that end friendships, just making me feel uncomfortable in a dynamic that I usually feel completely at ease in.

All of the negative things I am feeling, and in fact I believe getting sick also, can be attributed to the impending doom that is our move. You know, I am going back and forth in my emotions about the whole situation. To be honest, this whole day has been on the "Screw Mike's Feelings About It, His Priorities Are Wrong" side of the fence. I am so very disappointed in him lately. Very, very disappointed.

I am having such a hard time understanding why he is so intent on spending time doing yardwork and landscaping in the evenings and on weekends while we're still here. Am I nuts for thinking the logical thing to do is spend as much quality time with the girls as possible and spend his time alone getting the other stuff done? I just can't wrap my head around it and I'm furious and saddened. I have always known that he is, frankly, an incredibly selfish person in many ways, but this one really has me perplexed. Do I just feel superior because I am really trying to make huge efforts to be having the time of our lives this summer? It's my last one free so I want it to be memorable for them and me.

I wish I could say how great our marriage is and that it is definately strong enough to survive this no problem, but that would be a lie. After 3 years of him working nights and his relative absence in the raising of our girls, I know that I don't need him to survive and the girls certainly aren't benefitting from any kind of quality time or influence of import from him. Life is all about what makes it easy and enjoyable for him; the needs of his wife and daughters are pretty far down on his list. This isn't to say I am fault-free, we have a couple of pretty huge issues that are completely on me, but I stand by the assertion that I put my children first, followed by him; I eventually make an apperance, but I rarely break the top 5. He has an uncanny knack for laying the guilt on pretty thick when I take care of my needs.

The exact turning point of our marriage will forever be etched into my memory. One singular event that changed everything, and though I can go through the motions of "forgive and forget", it opened my eyes to the kind of man his is and brought other actions and behaviors into crystal clear clarity. It was the night of his company Christmas celebration and I was home with a fussy 8 month old and he didn't bring his drunk self home until well into the next day. He got sick all over the bathroom, didn't clean it up and proceeded to pass out. When I could rouse him into consciousness to berate him about being so irresponsible, he looked at me, in a moment of odd sobriety and stated that we didn't love me and would never care about me nearly as much as our child. Considering his lack of parenting in the first place, I knew the breadth of this statement. I will never forget it.

And it was all true, as evidenced by his nonchalant attitude from my recovery from the first childbirth, to my incredibly difficult second pregnancy, horrible experience with the c-section and, most recently, my emergency appendectomy. Those are the big things, but this is seen in the everyday things a caring, loving husband would normally do in a healthy, productive marriage.

I have recommended counseling on many occasions, but we've never made it that far. We just go on with the farce from day to day. All this isn't to say that I don't love him or that he is a terrible father, but obviously we've got things that will need to be examined before I can foresee a positive future for us. I hope that in this separation, we can both make some decisions about what we want.

Like I said earlier, this is an off day in my feelings, tomorrow I may go back to feeling deep sorrow for him having to be torn from his kids, but it seems I'm having far more days like this than the other.

The separation

My daughters and I are moving 90 miles away from my husband. No separation of the marriage, it's just logistics. It is still too painful to recount the events that led to this in detail, so I'll be brief.

In March, I resigned from my teaching position. A move that was both necessary and welcome, despite the school district's intentions. (A word of advice, don't teach in a small town if you are not a life-long resident of said town). Following the resignation, I applied for many jobs in many towns, but my heart really wasn't in it. I was offered some jobs, rejected from others. Being a music teacher is a pretty narrow niche in the teaching world and there were no openings in the town where we live.

The town where we live is 50 miles away from any large cities and the town itself is undergoing some major problems in the job market. I am overqualified for any job offerings here and the pay is not acceptable, should I have found something that fit.

My husband, around the time of my resignation, was offered a position in management at his company. He took it and is flourishing; I expect big things from him and the job. He got a nice raise, but not enough for me to stay home with the girls.

Fast forward to June, I applied at a large company in my hometown, a suburb of Kansas City. I was contacted for an interview less than 24 hours after submitting my application. Had an interview the following Monday; another two days later. I was told they would be contacting me in one to two weeks. Apparently, they made a decision less than 30 minutes after I left (my mother works there and they shared the news with her, but she was forbidden to clue me in and I can't believe she kept her mouth shut!). So, at 8 am the next day, I was offered a job.

It was the only viable option left for us. It's a great job with TONS of advancement potential, the management there already concedes this in regards to me. So here we are, both with great jobs, but in cities 90 miles apart.

I'll be taking the girls to live with my parents during the week. Mike will be remaining in our home and we'll be together on the weekends. I've got some issues about this, a lot of fears for our family, but I pray we can work through them and emerge in a better place, when we make some real decisions about our future.

Forget it

Can you change the focus of your blog midstream? Technically, it still in its infancy, but you get the idea. I told my husband of my intention to keep this for him while we're gone during the week (I'll get to that soon), and his reaction was, "That's nice and all, but can't you think of a better way to spend your time?" While I saw his concern, the girls will need me more than the computer, duh, I would update after the girls are asleep. I couldn't imagine writing much more than 5 or 10 minutes. Besides, I always need to unwind before my mind shuts off for sleep.

So, this blog is now for me, a way to express my feelings and concerns and a record for me. I am growing less and less concerned about his feelings regarding the move, he has proven time and again that his priorities are far different from what I would imagine they should be in these last weeks together.

Paige: age 5 Emma: age 2

These are my favorite pictures of them at this age.

Meet the girls

Before I get into the story, perhaps a record of the girls right now would be in order.



Paige is 5, though more grown up in many ways, and younger than 5 in others. To say she is daddy's girl is the understatement of the century. Her current fascinations include: the country, swimming, me having another baby (she'd prefer 6 at once thanks to John and Kate Plus 8), and preparing to start kindergarten.

Emma is my little angel. She is empathetic in nature where Paige is highly intelligent. Not to say Emma isn't as smart, I've definitely got two Rhodes Scholars in the making, but Emma isn't quite as gregarious. As she grows into toddler hood, she loves Spongebob, playing with her Little People toys and trying to keep up with Paige.


The girls are my life, but I must admit, they can be difficult at times. They go, go, go where I'm a little more laid back. Mike works long hours and I try to keep them engaged as much as possible while maintaining our home. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day! But as tired as I can be, I love being able to watch them grow and flourish under my watchful eyes. Which leads me to the heartbreak that is coming.

The blog has been created

This is a record of the time my family will be living apart. I want to keep a record of why I had to take my children away from their father during the work week. My heart breaks to think of this separation, but I try to remain hopeful that this is the best move for the future of our family.